This Too Shall Pass

"This Too Shall Pass" ....I echo this over and over in my mind. My third, and youngest child is just over a year old. She is such a wonderful blessing to our family. She is full of joy and smiles and loves her brother and sister with a passion that seems unusual for such a small being.

When my oldest, Brayden was a baby he was a terrible sleeper. He barely napped and often woke 4 or 5 times a night. He also loved to nurse. Somewhere around the 8 month mark I gave up nursing as I was exhausted from my full time job combined with my mom duties. Around a year, he finally slept through the night but it was very short lived as we battled constant ear infections, pneumonia and hospital stays. He was a terrible sleeper right up until age 4 when his father and I separated and I was determined to get him sleeping in his own bed, all night. At almost 8 he is still my child who doesn't sleep long and rarely, if ever, naps.

My middle child, Reagan, has been a great sleeper since day 1. As a baby, she never slept less than 5 hours at night. She was giving me 12 hour nights by 6 weeks. She was an easy going dream of a baby who at 15 months would grab her bear and head back to her room when she was sleepy. At age 5 she still enjoys a nap here and there and still sleeps at least 9 hours most nights. She also enjoyed nursing right up to 9 months but she was a quick nurser and never lingered. Our breastfeeding relationship felt as though it was over in a blink of an eye.

Madison is my youngest. This time I am blessed and feel immeasurably lucky that I am able to stay at home with her. I probably pumped breastmilk less than 30 times this go around. At 13 months, she is still nursing ferociously and the end doesn't seem to be coming anytime soon. She also is so much like her brother and just doesn't want to sleep alone. She prefers to be near me with access to the boob at any given moment. She also hates her crib. She has refused to even nap in it in well over a week. So yesterday I laid her on her sister's bed for a nap and at bedtime I put my daughters to bed together. Madison slept from 9 until 2 AM and this is the longest stretch she has done in a while so we may be on to something...

This I know, I am desperate to have my body back, and desperate to have my bed back. But these moments are gone before we know it. I brought Brayden home from the hospital and I blinked and he was wearing a football helmet! So in my quiet prayers I thank God for all of the seasons of my life, even the ones that bring sleep deprivation.

This I Know

Today I am feeling defeated. My one year old has been up most of the night, probably pushing back against the weaning program that I have been putting her through. Yes, La Leche League, I am not letting my child self wean. Shoot me now. Its ok, it might be welcome relief from the sleep deprivation.

I am feeling defeated because I have hit a wall where I cannot function or complete even the simplest tasks. I barely know my name. I thought that I knew how to function as a stay at home mom, taxi my children to various summer camps, wean a one year old, and get a decent dinner on the table. Today, however, I sit hear saying to myself, What do I know?

This I know. I create much higher standards for myself than anyone else. I try to be the perfect wife, mother, WAHM, daughter, friend, etc. I want my baby to sleep through the night perfectly. I want my children to clean up after themselves perfectly. I want my house to look perfect. What I know this morning is that I am trying to impose my perfection on my family and that just doesn't fly.

This I know. God is forgiving. He gave his son for me. He knows I am not perfect. I need to accept that.